I was a ‘people pleaser’. I am intuitive, an empath, a highly sensitive person. All of which adds up to an easy target for narcissists, bullies, and people who just wanted their own way.
My sense of identity was stretched thin and tattered by some of the people in my life. Can you relate?
Fortunately, that’s not an issue anymore. Now I chuckle when someone tries to intimidate me. Really, it’s true. An inner grin spreads all over my face. Surprised me the first time I did that. I was most certainly not being a pleaser in that situation!
And I can think of a couple of moments in my love relationships when I had an insight that caused me to change my view of myself, or the way I behaved and stood up for myself. <thoughtful expression on my face now>
But really, after being ‘taught’ how much I “am not” (according to their biased opinions) it sometimes astonishes me how much self-possession I have, how strong I am in ‘who’ I am.
I believe in leading by uplifting. By being truthful and honest, with kindness and compassion. They didn’t.
Who am I? I am a dreamer, adventurous, curious, a non-conformist, reflective, restless, self-sufficient. I’m spiritual, a transformative trailblazer, a visionary hypnotherapist.
At my base, my foundation, my children are my touchstone, my lodestone. No matter what else there may be, I still know that I am Mom. For a long time, that was my identity. Mom.
Then the girls grew up and I had a little mental space to wonder about what else I might want to be, too. I dreamed and tried. Failed and kept trying. Magic happened.
Now I’m a fantastic hypnotherapist/psychic! LOL. And still their mom. They don’t need me for everything, but they still need their mom.
How-not-to-be
One day, near the end of one love relationship, I thought to myself: “My clients see me as strong, insightful, knowledgeable. An authority. He obviously doesn’t. What’s the difference?”
I thought about some of the puffed-up things he said about himself; and thought about how I had been behaving around him, trying to please him so we could have a harmonious home.
“So why don’t I act the same way with him as I do with clients?” Bonk! Smack! Insight!
It changed how I related with him, how I behaved, and most-importantly, my belief in myself and my own value. We still broke up, and we’re still friends. However, I kept my dignity and respect for myself.
Your Blind Spot can be deadly
This kind of behavior of your own may be smack in the middle of your blind spot, so you can’t see what you’re doing. If you’re confused by this sentence, then your blind spot is blinding you. Mine blinded me for a long time.
You can still change it. I’m a fan of pretending-to-be; a fan of fake it til you make it.
How to manifest magic and self-respect in your relationships
- You have value.
- You are enough.
Ask yourself: How do you behave around the one who doesn’t treat you well, as compared to your behavior around people who like and respect you?
Jot down some notes, then ask someone who cares about you for an honest, objective opinion. Eye-opening, isn’t it? Might have even made you teary eyed.
- Reflect on the behavior of people pleasers – real people or characters in movies. It’s a good chance that you have some of those irritating or submissive behaviors, too.
- Be curious, reflect on yourself, make a list of the different ways you are a pleaser, and ways you can stop. Make them as wacky or serious as you like. It may be as simple as refusing to react to their opinion. You know you are better than that, so you can act like it’s so. (I said simple, not easy.)
This can be a hard task even for a non-conformist because being a pleaser is normal for you. It’s a survival skill developed through your life’s decades. It’s something that is so common you don’t see it. This is when your BFF is a valuable resource, again.
- Choose one or two ways that feel do-able to stop being a pleaser. What small action can you make in your behavior that will help you retain your self-respect?
- And then… do it consistently. Give yourself a pat, a star on the calendar, an “I did it!” note in your day planner or journal.
IMPORTANT! Track it until you have more than 30 consistent days of checkmarks. Then you can bravely, honestly say, ‘I’m doing it! I’m creating my own magic!”
Neuroscientists have found that it takes 30 consecutive days to create a new groove in your brain. Consecutive days. To create a new habit or belief.
This one simple change will be the catalyst for you to re-create your life. You don’t have to do something big and in their face. Start dreaming of the life you really want, of how you want to be treated.
Your outcome will be a sense of freedom and lightness in your soul. Release and expand!
It took a lot of inner work for me to get here. Bold and brave! Strong and powerful! If I can do it, so can you. Keep on believing in yourself! Reach for the stars!
Thank you for sharing your sweet energy with our gathering of kindred spirits.
Lotsa hugs,
Peg McMahan, HHP, CHt, LMT
Be a Goddess! Visionary Hypnotherapy + Psychic Readings for • a delightful love life • better health habits • strong relationships • meaningful work • align with your soul’s intentions.
Photo credit © Can Stock Photo / artursz